Tough Love...

Ok. So I was texting my girlfriend recently, catching up and talking about how each others relationships are going, when she asked me this:

Her:  How's your sex life?
Me: Great. You?
Her: (nothing)
Me: Hello?
Her: (longer pause) Its good.
Me: …it is?
Her: Well, it's not great for me… and I know it's not good for *Joey (not real name, obvi)
Me: … ok, so what makes this good?
Her: I don't know… I just can't get turned on anymore.

Ok, so before all you "good sex is everything" people go thinking that this is about a relationship needing to be over, let me just be clear that this situation isn't due to any lack of sex. They are in love, they are happy, and they want to be together… at most we have a case of "its getting old" sex on our hands here.

Yes it's true that these are dangerous waters since relationships can and often do fall apart around bad/unsatisfying/boring/irregular sex no matter how well everything else is going, BUT, it's also true that they can be saved before things have to get to that point. I think the real issue here is how hard they are willing to work at it. (listen up, hun)

If I'm honest, I kind of understand where she's coming from. I mean, at one point, after those early-in-the-relationship butterflies flew off, getting off (for me) wasn't as easy as it used to be anymore. Just talking to him, hearing his voice, or kissing his mouth didn't have me salivating anymore, in my mouth or anywhere else for that matter. Not because my feelings had changed - if anything they were even stronger - but because sex wise, things had to be switched up. New tricks were needed. In the early days, anticipation is half the battle/orgasm, wtv. Just the thought of a kiss, or touch, or more is foreplay enough. After a while, once that particular touch has warn off (…you know, once you realize that's his only "touch" and not to mention, only "code" for sexy time), that changes.

Sucks to hear, but its true.

Love and sex aren't things that "just happen". They start, and then they need to be maintained. You can't just go on doing like you've been doing, because unfortunately - and perhaps it's natures way of telling us to go after what we want in life - we get used to repetitive things, we get bored. Not of the person, just of the routine.

That's why it's so important to treat your sex life like, like.... your cell phone. You have one, you cherish it, you're miserable without it. And as much as you love the damn thing, the truth is, at some point, you want a new one. So you change the ringer, flip the wallpaper, make it feel new again. Get it?

Sex isn't "good" if you know neither one of you is really enjoying it. It's not "good", just because you're having it. You want to want sex. You want to have to have sex. And the only way to do that is to switch it up.

Talk about it. Do all those things you think about but are too scared to say out loud to someone. Find out what each others' sexual code is and tap into it (omg I'm watching wayyyyyy to much Ice T & Coco, this can't be healthy). Seriously though, everyone has at least one. Fantasies, fetishes, something that makes them freak (in a good way). Learn what that is for your partner (your very serious partner, other wise things could just get embarrassing), and make a promise to become an expert at it. For me, it took going to a sex shop with Smooth (something I had never done with a boyfriend before) to get me talking about my "deep downs" and "dirty little secrets", but it got the conversation started. One little field trip opened me up to so much…

So, to my dear friend, if your reading this - which you are, because I've called you to let you know I've posted - don't worry, this problem you are having can be fixed, and very easily at that. The only question is, are you willing to be open enough to solve it? Making love is nice and all, but a good f*ck is what you (both) need right now. If your not already curling each others' toes, and can't find the courage to at least open up and find out what it is that might do that for each other either, then you just might find that love isn't enough after all.

Good luck, x

LOVE THIS.

Love Will Set You Clean...

Never in a million years did I think I would learn something from Ice T and his G.I. Joe of a wife, Coco, but alas I did - okay so maybe I wouldn't really call it "learning something", more like recognizing the validity and depth of a point that is most often overlooked, but still, very eye opening nonetheless, I'll give 'em that.

I was watching their new reality show and they were talking about how Coco (which apparently is her real name, shocking) would come over and clean his house in the early days of their relationship even though she wasn't living there. Ice was saying something about how strange he thought that was, and she was saying it was her way of showing she cared, because she has a cleaning OCD or something. And then I thought, hmm, is it weird that what she just said makes a lot of sense to me? Am I crazy, or did she just make a thought provoking, semi-intelligent point here? And then hit me, she's totally on point here.

Aside from being told (or it being expected) that our place is in the home, and our job is to look after a man (big no no), if there is one thing that a man should know about a woman, its this: WHEN A WOMAN TAKES CARE OF A MAN, COOKS HIS DINNERS AND CLEANS HIS HOME, ITS BECAUSE IN HER EYES, HE'S EARNED IT, AND BECAUSE SHE'S DECIDED SHE ACTUALLY CARES (DEEPLY) FOR HIM.

It's true. A lot of people (especially guys) take it for granted all the time, but the fact is, it's not standard practice in a relation between man and woman, it doesn't "just happen" at a certain point in every relationship, or because it's deeply ingrained in our genes. No. It's a privilege. And you only get to experience it when we've come to the decision (on our own) that we want to take care of you because you're worth taking care of.

Don't believe me boys? Think about it. What women in your life have cleaned up after you - other than your mom and serious girlfriends? Friends? Cousins? …what about sisters? (maybe, if it was her house you were trashing). I know the girls hear me on this, because we've all been on both sides of it.

For instance, when I think about my last relationship with my ex and how I was with him and compare it to how I am with Smooth now, there just is no comparison. I couldn't bring myself to cook in his kitchen let alone clean any part of his place. There seriously wasn't anything he could do or say, to get me to help with any of it. In fact, to avoid it all, I kind of expected let him wait on me since I was his "guest" (ya, I pulled that card, many times over). The state of place was disgusting, and deep down yes, it bothered me, but was I actually going to do anything about it? Not a chance, because that required me touching stuff I didn't want to. If cleaning is a sign about how you truly feel about someone, then I guess our fate was pretty obvious.

With Smooth, it's completely the opposite. I'm almost obsessed. I clean all the time. (And I'm so not a cleaner). I want to make sure he's got a clean house, a full belly, and that he's sleeping well. I don't care if I have to give it my whole day.

When we don't care about a relationship (and I mean that "forever" kind of care), then we don't care to bring that side of us out (you know, that nurturing mothering side). But when we do, well, it comes out in full force. Which, if you think about it, might be the reason for why so many of us have a bit of an issues with the whole "mom factor".  When we really feel for a guy, and open ourselves up to looking after him and ensuring his well-being (essentially taking on a mothering role), it becomes very difficult to let real mom come in and take care of him too, especially when its in our own home. It all becomes very territorial. We've made him our number 1 (very often even before us), and to not be his number 1 (aka number 2 to mom) can be a very hard pill to swallow... But I think think I'll save that thought for another post.

Where was I? Oh yes, real love = his personal house maid. Terrible way to put it, I know, but it's kind of the truth. I mean think about it, how many times have you heard a friend or someone on tv talk lovingly about their man talking about wanting to have dinner ready for when he comes homes, or doing his laundry, even Samantha spent 2 hours making all that cleverly placed sushi for Smith to come home to, it's what we do…for the right guy.

This isn't to say that all this is done without complaints of course, I mean, telling him to rinse out the tuna can before letting in sit in the sink for how ever many hours definitely gets old at some point, but its the thought that counts. And as long as we feel that the work and love is appreciated and returned in other ways, then really its not that big of a deal.

... Then again, we already knew that it would be, I mean, that's the reason why we've offered you this part of us in the first place, right?

New Beginnings...

Hey y'all, I'm back.

I know, I know, its been forever. I got lazy. Actually that's a lie, the problem is that I got really busy, only it was outside of here. My life in recent months has been full of changes, good ones mostly, but big ones too, so I haven't really been able to find the time to get on here and write. But, now that things have a settled a bit and I've received my 500th text/email/FB message etc about when the hell am I going to get back on here, I figured its about time. Also, I have time now, because I quit my shitty job (hooray!). So yeah, here I am…staring at this screen.

I think the worst part about blogging is that as soon as you stop, or fall out of it for a while, getting back on that horse and writing that first full length blog seems so that much more daunting. What to write about, that's hard. I mean I have all these topics and notes written on post-its all over my bedroom, but finding inspiration, staying in the moment of the topic, that's hard. It's like I have to re-learn how to blog. It's stressful.

…I guess I'll just start from the beginning, since that's probably the easiest way. But bear with me, my first few posts back might be a bit shaky. I need to get my groove back so to speak.

I should probably just recap the last couple months (very briefly!) since the last thing you all know about is that Smooth and I were in a tricky spot of our relationship, not communicating very well at all. Well that's definitely changed. We are doing better than ever. 

Communication is aced. Is it always happy and wonderful? No. But we're really good at talking and listening now, so whenever something is wrong, we put it out there and deal with it. He listens, I listen, he has learned to say what he means and mean what he says, and I've learned to say sorry and admit when I'm wrong (which has never been something I "do" per say). I think those were our biggest challenges in terms of communication, so I'm really glad that they've been smoothed out. (pardon the pun.)

We also celebrated our 1st year anniversary, it was great. Well, as great as it could be given that I had come down with the flu literally the morning of, and had to be propped up on my chair during dinner with a few hundred spare napkins close by to wipe off the profuse amount of sweat exiting from just about every part of my body (so sexy, I know). But it was wonderful, really. And it's pretty much been a dream since that night. There is something about that one year mark that's magical. Like, it's a bitch to get to, but once there, it's as if everything just kind of figures itself out. Suddenly, things start clicking and the relationship becomes this well oiled machine again, like it was in those first few months of dating, only more naturally. Fascinating.

Also, Smooth quit music. For good. It shocked me, I didn't really believe it, but I'm not complaining. No more cool industry parties or award shows, but that's nothing compared to the piece of mind he now has and the peacefulness that's brought to the relationship. Its absolutely incredible, like night and day. His focus is on us now, were not rushing home to write lyrics, or stressing about video deadlines…all is calm and cool, our time is our own. Which is amazing, and perfect timing, because...

I'm almost moved in. It's a slow process (snails pace practically), but one that is finally starting to happen. So that's good. Its meant a lot more time together, and a lot more time to work on us. And its really paid off too. Especially in the bedroom. Our sex life is amazing. It was getting to be a little bit too, how can I put this nicely? … routine? So we've amped it up a bit, and dedicated ourselves to making it fantastic - which, funny enough, I didn't really realize I wasn't doing until I made myself do it. Honestly, I didn't realize this, but sex doesn't just "happen". I mean it does, but not forever. Like, not even for a year. At some point you actual have to nurture it like every other part of a relationship. I knew that, heard it… but now I "get" it. And it's awesome. (ps. I will definitely be doing some sexier posts from this point on, now that I'm really starting to explore the wonderful world of "Sex" and all it has to offer, I'll be wanting to talk about it a lot more, and not just literally, I want to get into that good ol' sex therapy talk. So, fun times ahead.)

...

I think that pretty much covers the basics for now. Of course there are other things that I want to share with you, but their deserving of their own posts so I'm saving them. Plus it will keep you coming back.

More details later (like tomorrow). Promise.

xox

Bob Marley on How to Love a Woman...

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

(via 5oh7 blog)

Well, Smooth and I have officially reached the "comfortable" stage in our relationship.

And by that I don't mean farting or chewing with our mouths open - that's hardly something to complain about if you ask me. What I'm talking about is that point where everything/anything that the other person says isn't SO important anymore.

For example, this morning. I woke up in knots. (Don't know what went on while I was sleeping, but something had me positioned funny.) My back was locked. Even after stretching on my own, twisting and bending and struggling through the 4 yoga poses I actually know, I still couldn't loosen up. I was hurting, and I needed help.

Now, let me explain to you what would have happened were this oh I dunno, say, 4 months ago. Smooth would have been up and google-ing all kinds of chiropractic procedures and stretches that he could perform on me before I even finished saying "my back hurts". He would be catering to me instantly, saying "babe let me get this for you" and "babe let me do that for you". He would be sitting with me, rubbing me, kissing me, telling me how much he loves me and offering me massages four times a day. And I'm not exaggerating. This is how he is, was. Overly protective and sensitive about anything that had to do with me. It's one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place... after having to get used to that kind of attention of course (which really isn't that hard).

So, now let me tell you what actually happened this morning. Smooth only got up and out of bed about 15 minutes after I expressed my pain and went straight to ...the washroom. He didn't stop by the living room to check on or attend to my calls of distress (...ok more like moans of frustration, but still). He didn't even come by to kiss me on the forehead like he normally does when we wake up in the morning - yup, something has definitely changed.

When he was out, he still didn't come find me. Instead he went straight to the living room - from where I had since moved to the bedroom to hurl myself onto the bed backwards, head to floor in hopes of somehow stretching out my spine, or something - not even noticing I was no longer there. He turned on sportscenter. and checked his emails. (I'm moaning from the other room louder now, not because I'm hurting more, but because now I'm starting to get pissed off.)

Still, nothing. For like 20 minutes.

Finally he come finds me. I'm sprawled out, head on the floor, feet by my pillows, twisted into the strangest shape... and he begins to read me a series of tweets tweeted back and forth between Nikki Minage and Kloe Kardashian saying how funny they are.

That's it. That's all.

He's back on the couch. Apparently, I'm invisible. My pain and discomfort no longer mean anything to him.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, maybe. But I'm also being honest. We are officially "comfortable", and I hate it. I hate that my mere presence no longer commands his attention. That just looking at me doesn't make him smile for no reason anymore. That other things find room in his head despite my being there.

I dread this point. It scares me. Mainly because this is where my last relationship ended. Only, I was him.

...then again, I'm probably just overreacting. Every couple has bad days.

Food For Thought...

 

Sometimes, it really is just that simple.

Unsolved Mysteries...

WHAT is up with guys calling/texting/emailing 2...3... even 4 years after the fact? I mean seriously, 4 years? Really? It was summer, I was out of town, we met in a bar ... are you seriously telling me that you didn't know that was a one-off? That you actually thought something serious was going to come of it?

I just wanted to get some. That's all.

We live in different cities for crying out loud, different countries even. Do we really need to go over the rules pertaining to different area codes?

(...sorry.)

Dear Diary...

Soooo, not that I'm worried or anything, but I'm a little worried about moving in with Smooth. 

I keep reading that it's basically relationship suicide to move in with a guy before you're married... and, while Smooth and I are totally sold on each other, we're not really thinking about marriage anytime soon. 

And our mini trial (my sis who I currently live with is away visiting my mom so I've pretty much been staying at his place everyday since she left) has proven to be ...well, challenging, to say the least. We've had several fights already - small, nothing we haven't been able to overcome before bed - but arguments nonetheless. Also, I just watched my best friend get dumped by her boyfriend of 4 years over exactly this (we're talking future husband and father of her kids level here).

So now I'm just starting to freak out.

I mean I love this guy. A lot. We're strong and happy and a good team, and I know that moving in is what I want ...but not if it's going to trigger our demise.

This is terrifying! I'm an easy going kind of person,  I fly by the seat of my pants, cross bridges when I come to them; I'm an Aquarius through and through, stressing about the end before I've even started is not what I do!

Help?

Breakup Rules...

Uhhhhhh ok - this post is kinda out of the blue yes, but I just read Elaina's rather confused and frustrated post about breakups over at Life is a Great Big Canvas and just had to give my take on things (also, she asked me to - and it's not like I've ever been known to turn down giving my thoughts on someone else's problems...) So, Elaina, here are my (official) rules on how to manage a breakup:

Rule #1:

There is only one rule: Complete cut-off.

 

It doesn't matter what your history with him is, the only way to move on post breakup is to cut all contact. Don't talk to him, don't see him, don't hangout in places he does, or with people he knows. Get rid of him on FB, email, Skype, even your phone (thats BBM and your contact list). Not cutting him off is like quitting smoking and not taking that pack of cigarettes out of your car, and/or purse and/or breast pocket. If they are around, you will be tempted. To smoke, to hold, to smell... to just sit there and stare at, for hours. Way too close.

You see the thing with breakups is that they usually happen for a reason. If you're talking about, considering, or enduring a breakup, it's most likely because deep down you know this person isn't for you. Which means that although it's a tough decision, it's the right one, and you need to just take comfort in that and move on. 

Now of course the feelings don't go away over night, and of course it's going to be hard to break those habits that you've formed over the 3 years/months/days you were with him (ie: talking/texting everyday, eating together, sleeping together etc...) BUT, it's only going to be harder to rid yourself of all that if he's still just a click or call away.

Who knows if what they say about taking half the time you were together to get over the breakup is true or not (everyone is different), but what's most important is that you do take time. Not to be alone period, but at least alone from him.

Also, guys and girls are not friends, especially not after a breakup. So whatever the circumstances,  the history (wtv), things won't be "easier" if you "remain friends", or "still talk", or have "casual sex" every once in a while.

PUH-LEASE. (rolls eyes)

The truth is, you and him were never "just friends" otherwise you would never have had sex. Sex, or at least a sexual attraction, was the catalyst for this "friendship", don't fool yourself by telling you otherwise. 

You broke up, it was the right thing to do, now move on. You'll be surprised at how quick your heart heals if you just focus on other things (mainly you and what makes you smile). Out of sight out of mind is not just a saying, it's motto to live by (at least when it comes to breakups that is).

Trust me, It's way too easy to see and hear things you don't want to see or hear when you keep contact with your ex, so if you don't want drama, don't go looking for it. But if you do, well, that's a different story all together now isn't it?