Secret Sex...

One of my aims in doing this blog is to help enlighten the women who read it on how and why men think and act like they do. Of course, I'm limited in my ability to do that since, well, I'm a woman, and can therefore only speak from what I've been able to rationalize from their behaviour myself. Realizing that it might be good to get a real guy's perspective in here every once in a while, I invited a friend, Lucious*, to help. So without further ado, here is his first post on a subject matter that we (girls) have all found ourselves in at one point or another.

Ladies, take heed.

"Secret Sex"

You are in a relationship, or so you think, and the two of you have been ‘talking’ for some time. You think you’re dating him and, for the most part, you’re pretty sure he is dating you back. BUT all your dates are composed of time spent on the couch and time spent in the bedroom at your house or his.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Insight: The girl a guy keeps solely in his apartment or her apartment, generally indoors, is a girl he doesn’t want people to know he is associated with. Most times this is because he is busy chopping down another tree on the side, or maybe two; or because he doesn’t want the general population of females to know that he is tied down.

This doesn’t always take away from what the two of you might have. He might really like you, as much as you like him, but he’s not ready to make it as official as sharing that with the world by spending a night on the town. This is the same thing as placing that awkward two feet gap between the two of you when you do, by chance, take an excursion outdoors. The goal here is to keep you close enough, all the while giving other potentials the impression that the two of you might just be friends.

The extreme: Some guys act in this manner for a simpler reason – you’re a jump-off. There is nothing to the relationship except sex and it makes no sense taking you places because he isn’t interested in you in that manner. Therefore, the extent of your relationship becomes the couch and the bedroom.

The Upside: Some guys genuinely do simply enjoy staying indoors. These are the low-maintenance; non busy-body types who don’t need a lot of glitz and glam to have fun. You can tell if yours fits these criteria by measuring the awkward space between the two of you if you ever make it outdoors, or if he holds your hand.

- Lucious

Words of Wisdom...

"Life and love go on, let the music play"

-Johnny Cash

Looking on the Bright Side...

So another Christmas has come and gone and to my surprise, it wasn't that bad. Like at all actually. I thought that it was going to be a lot harder considering the recent break-up and all, but to tell you the truth, I'm feeling pretty good these days.

I spent a lovely Christmas morning with my mom and sister opening presents (digital camera, blackberry, Zara gift certificates AND my favorite perfume - I really can't be any happier right now), and then settled in for 2 days of great food, more gift exchanges, and general extended-family togetherness. To top it off, I didn't have to deal with one single awkward question about the ex from any of my curious family members thanks to my trusty old grand-mother and her beautiful big mouth. (Something which under normal circumstances never ceases to drive me insane, but in this case, happens to be very much appreciated.)

Anyways, as these last 2 days have gone by, I've done a lot of thinking, and I've come to the realization that spending the holidays alone (as in single, not alone alone) isn't my worst nightmare after all. It's quite the opposite in fact, with more advantages to it than disadvantages:

Cons:
- No date to holiday parties
- Nobody to cuddle up with at night
- Nobody to share those embarrassing family moments/ make fun of family with

Pros:
- No dilemma over which mom's Christmas dinner to go too
- Won't have to answer any of those awkward couple questions from nosy family members
- No stressing out over the perfect gift for him
- No date to holiday parties (wink wink)
- Endless opportunities to get "caught" under the mistletoe
- AND I no longer have to waste my hot new holiday dress on someone who's already seen me dress up a hundred times and therefore won't truly appreciate just how fierce it is/ I look

Obviously there are a few down sides to being single over Christmas/New Years, but it's nothing that can't be helped by friends, family, and a little alcohol black dress. I have the chance to do what I feel like doing - without having to think of anyone else - for the first time in a long time, so I'm might as well just enjoy that for the time being.

Dear Diary....

Funny how people can surprise you.

I thought I made up my mind about him. Maybe, I was wrong.

Men Are Like...

... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Meanwhile ... on POF

Checked my Inbox on POF today. Got a message from Mr. Wrong. No, seriously, that was his screen name.

His message said "you are sexy, let's chat". (Oh goody, a creative one). For fun, I checked out his profile. In the 'about me' part he wrote: "the one you wouldn't usually go for at first glance, but after a few drinks and once you get to talking, realize he is a good person despite his many flaws".

Riiiiight, because that makes me want to find out more.

Delete.

Of course, there were the predictable messages from over-tanned, over-muscular, and most likely under-educated shirtless torsos as well.

Delete. Delete. Delete.



Sigh, yup, real jackpot I've hit here...

One Week Later...

So I’m at that point where I’ve accepted that the relationship is over, but am now grieving the loss of my best friend. I keep catching myself writing out texts to him and wanting to push 6 on my speed-dial (his assigned position).

It’s not necessarily that I miss him in the sense that I want to get back together with him, but not having that person there to crack jokes with, send good-morning and good-night texts to, or just get a hug from when I need one is hard. Really hard.

But I suppose this too shall pass…

DOs & DON'Ts Of Proper Bar Behaviour...

DON'T get so drunk on a night out that your friends ditch you out of sheer embarrassment because you're stripper dancing half-naked on stage to Billy-Jean in tribute to Micheal Jackson and letting a pervy professor type 3 times your age (a little too eagerly) fondle you inappropriately at the bar.

My friends and I saw this poor thing out in TO this past weekend. We couldn't keep track of her the whole night, but by the end of it it seemed as though she had rather successfully organized a mini gang-bang with these two grandpas... all seemed to be quite happy about it. The whole thing was kinda sad really.

Anyways, to avoid waking-up in a bush somewhere a few miles from home with a bad itch, DO know your drinking limit and party with real friends who will take care of you in situations like this.

I Want A Love Like...

I don't know how many of you are into spoken word, but my friend showed me this video about 2 years ago now, and I still smile every time I see it. So I thought I would post it.

... But for some reason or other Blogger won't let me, so instead, I'm posting the lyrics and a link to the video. Hopefully, it will make you smile too...

"This Type Love" by Shihan
(video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik7GFLB_CII)

I want a love like
Me thinking of you
Thinking of me thinking of you type love
Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself
About how I feel about you type love
Or hating how jealous you are
But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name
And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you
And I barely made it out of my garage

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep
And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love
Or who loves the other more
Or what she’s doing this exact moment
Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good
Could hurt so much when she’s not there
And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
All around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel

And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me
The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love
Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves
And just like in high school
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me
And smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her
And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again
And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries
Even though they ain’t really anniversaries
But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love
And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays
When her numbers are dialed into it type love
And talk to her until I lose my breathe
And she leaves me breathless
But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
To something that allows me to talk to her longer
‘Cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time
To love you as long as I’d like to type love
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter
Just thinking about how strong this love is type love
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache
But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her is

And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now
So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light
Just dying to get hit by a car
Just so I could lose my memory
Get transported to some third world country just to get treated
Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you
In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is

The Break-up...

Ugh. This feeling sucks.

My boyfriend and I just split up. Well, more like he dumped me, but to be honest, it was time. We've been together for the last 15 or so months. On Tuesday it ended. It was horrible. Not the relationship, that was fun (for the most part), and I learned a lot so I don't regret it one bit, in fact, I cherish it. But the actual breaking-up was, and still is, absolutely horrendous - not how I would have imagined it to be in a million years. Emotions were high and we ended up saying things to each other which, if you had told me a week ago I was going to say, would have led me to think you were crazy.

But it was my first relationship, my first boyfriend, my first love (yes I'm a late bloomer - so what), so realistically, it was bound to end at some point. That point should have been about 6 months ago. The first 8 or so months of our relationship were amazing, a real romance. But over the course of the next 7 it was a cycle of arguments and making-up that really just ended up being far more stressful than they should have been, leading both of us to check out periodically.

The list of reasons for why we broke up - as in, the major problems we had that led to the reason he dumped me - includes failures in all of the most important parts of a relationship: communication, trust, support/motivation, and respect. (See? Doomed). But the actual reason for why he ended it was because I considered having a drink with another guy. I didn't actually go for one with him, but I did consider it. Anyway, It doesn't matter what the intentions were - it's a long story, and really, at this point, my explanation for why I agreed to it just doesn't matter anymore - I made a wrong move, and now I have to take responsibility for it. I have guilt, definitely. I've had nightmares, re-living it in my dreams for the last 3 nights in a row. But I think the real guilt that I have comes from hurting him, for the way it ended, and for not doing something about our relationship earlier on rather than the whole drink debacle.

I don't care about the drink. I wasn't really serious when I agreed to it, and I'm definitely not thinking about it now. That situation was a miss-step on my part, a mistake, but not a biggie. (But I mean, it's not like he was Mr. Perfect either, far from it). What I do care about though is the heart I broke. That is something I'm not going to be able to get over. I want so bad to be able to comfort him, to give him a hug, but, obviously, I can't/won't. I'm sorry for the way it ended too, a horrible argument and mean words was not how I would have wanted to say goodbye to him. But the thing I'm most sorry for is that I waited so long to get out. Instead of having conversation after conversation about how we could fix it, trying to convince myself, and him, that we could make it work, I should have just listened to what my gut was telling me. My gut, my family, my friends, and even him at one point. Everyone knew that I had checked out, a while ago, I was just too scared to let go.

But now it's over, not how I had planned, but over none the less. And too be honest, while I do feel sad, I also feel a bit relieved too...