On Being Woman...

“Perhaps my sense of self was too well developed. Perhaps my problem wasn’t loneliness, but only-ness.”

- Bette Davis

(Because every woman could use a little Bette Davis.)

(Untitled) ...

Ummmmm... I'm pretty sure that my vagina is gone.

What I mean is, I'm pretty sure that it is still attached to that god awful strip of linen that that horrible, horrible little woman just ripped from between my legs.

I think I'm going to cry.

Scratch that, I am crying.

I'm tearing, cowering in the corner of a room called "Begonia", listening to heavily Asian influenced classical music, holding my crotch in utter pain and amazement, trying to remember what it was that I said that made her want to hurt me in this way.

Who does this? Who wants this!?

This is crazy. This is BARE. I feel pubescent, maybe even pre. And I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that.

I don't know if I'm more angry at society for making me feel the pressure of having to compete in this way, or myself for falling for it. All I know is that this is the silliest, most stupid thing I've ever done.... and I will most likely come back in a couple weeks for "maintenance" like she told me too.

There so better be a difference.

The Birthday Weekend...

I am such a good girlfriend.

(I know I just posted about how terrible of a girlfriend I am, was, but that was last week. This week, I rock.)

Why? Because it was Smooth’s birthday this past Monday, and my present was awesome. I surprised him with a Fred Perry leather duffel and a pair of tickets to a professional football game. And despite the fact that we weren't acknowledging his turning a year older, and that the the whole event left me with acute laryngitis (going on my 5^th day with no voice), it was worth it. Smooth and I have officially re-connected.

You see, with both of us being really busy lately - him with his music and me with work - we haven’t really been able to see too much of each other. Which, as you can imagine, has been just a little bit tough. And even though this might have offered us the opportunity to miss each other more (they say that's good for a relationship), it also meant more arguments, and less sex. Which left us both frustrated, and all the more ready to pick a fight.

So, we really needed this weekend to work ... badly.

We started the weekend with another friend's birthday party - an excuse to go out and get drunk since we weren't actually celebrating his own big day - where he was showered with compliments, repeatedly, by a drunken birthday girl and friends. (Seriously, if I didn't work with her, I might have clocked her one. But, it made him feel good (I could tell), so I smiled and put up with it).

He also met the guy from work there, who had come with one of the other girls, and saw what I had been trying to explain to him all this time. Finally we could move on. We eventually separated from the rest of the group, got trashed, and ended up having our own party for two in a cozy little corner of the club for the rest of the night... after-party at his. (wink wink)

Sunday was the big day. Game day. Stadium full of people, lots of beer and to top it off, a hometown win. That day couldn't have gone better - except for the whole laryngitis bit that is, started to lose my voice about 15 minutes in and ended up honking like a donkey for much of the rest of the game until it gave out completely in the last quarter. So sexy.

But all in all, it really was a pretty perfect weekend. And we've managed to keep that energy going. We're still busy, still not seeing each other as much as we're used to, but we're trying. So far, so good.

(And even if we do fall out of groove for a second, I now know how to get it back: sex and football. Easy peasy.)

Dear Diary...

I wanna know if I'm hot.

Not just pretty hot, sexy hot. Guy hot. (I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's true - and I know I'm not the only one).

It's one thing to know a guy thinks you're hot, it's another to know most guys do. I wanna know how I rate on 10, I wanna know what they say when I leave the room...

Unsolved Mysteries...

Why is it that all guys seem to think they're hotter than they really are?!

You're not that cute, you're not that funny, and you're definitely not that slick, so stop assuming that you could get any/every girl if you really wanted to. If you're not George or Johnny, it's just not that simple. Not if she's single, not if she's drunk, not if she's freshly dumped, depressed, and on the prowl.

WE choose YOU, don't you forget it.

Sexy Inventions...

Clearly invented by a cuddler. Loving this one.
(Those foot tucks look cozy)

Oops...

I'm a terrible girlfriend.

Remember how I just said that things were going great with my boyfriend? Like literally one post ago? Well, I've managed to change that. Not intentionally of course (it never is), I've just once again put my foot in my mouth and made a complete mess of things. And not just little things, a big thing, a very serious big thing. A very crucial, very "foundations of a good relationship" kind of thing...

Doubt. In me. In us.

The last thing that anyone in a happy and serious relationship wants is to have their partner concerned about their commitment or loyalty (for whatever reason), and I've managed to jeopardize that myself.

How, you might ask? Well, I've mentioned a name one too many times. A guy's name. A guy I work with who is really nice, but that's it. Someone that I very much do NOT have any kind of inappropriate or unprofessional feelings towards whatsoever. In fact, its quite the opposite. I think the reason why I get along with him as well as I do because he is exactly the opposite of what my boyfriend thinks he is: utterly, completely and obviously nonthreatening. Does that make sense?

What I mean is that sometimes you meet people you can just be cool around precisely because of the fact that they aren't a blip on your radar. At least not in that kind of way. Kind-hearted, genuinely sincere and (best of all) faithfully "attached" (to someone else) kind of people. Well, this guy is that kind of guy. He's a good kid (yes kid, only about 20 or so) who's laid back and happily in love with his girlfriend (and probably one day wife) of 5 years. See? Nonthreatening.

Unfortunately however, my boyfriend doesn't get to see this. He doesn't get to come to work with me and see how this guy is, and how he interacts with everyone, including me. All my boyfriend knows is that I'm cool with a guy at work (among others of course), I sometimes eat lunch with him and some others on break, and he sometimes picks me up and/or drops me off at mine to or from work since it's about 2 streets down from his girlfriend's and totally "on the way". And fyi, I live exactly 3 minutes drive from the front door of our office so it's not like there is time for any heart to hearts or anything. What's started it all is that this guy's name keeps coming up when I talk about work (I mean, we're a small group to begin with, so there are only so many characters involved in each story anyway). And that, in combination with the whole car pooling thing, has him stressed and what I think to be a bit insecure as well… I know I would be.

Now I'm not a retard here, I know that my boyfriend is already being more forgiving about this than most would be given the same situation, trust me, but I really don't know how to get it through to him that this is nothing to be worried about. I mean I hang out with this guy just as much, and in the same way I do with the girls! But then, I do kinda feel bad because I see his side of it and where he's coming from as well. And while I've realized that I should probably just keep my mouth shut about things that happen at work (and believe, from now on I will), I'm worried that the damage is already done.

It's all a big mess right now, and I'm not too sure how to fix it.

But then I hate that there is anything to fix in the first place because there shouldn't be since nothing is going on! And worst of all is that by defending myself I sound all the more guilty of having something to defend! Also, (can't lie here) I'm a bit pissed off that my boyfriend seems to fear that this might turn into something that might threaten our relationship, it's not nearly that serious!? I mean, he should know and trust in my feelings for him… right?

(breath)

Then again, maybe this is only a big deal because my boyfriend and I are seeing less of each other lately and, consequently, having less sex.

But that's another post.

On Being Woman...

“She’s a handful, but all the best ones are.”