You Tell Me...

The worst pick-up line ever used on you (or that you used on someone else):

"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can see myself in your pants."

(I'm still not sure if it was the beer or this line that made me sick that night).

The 3 Day Rule

Ok, this one is embarrassingly long overdue, and frankly, I should be ashamed that it's taken me this long to think about it. Though, I have to admit, I didn't come to it all on my own, I have to thank the two idiots beside me on the bus today for my inspiration. You see, they were talking about ‘The 3 Day Rule’ - I know right, you thought that ended along with high school, so did I, but apparently it lives on. Its bad enough that this nonsense is still considered an important part of Dating 101 in 2009, but worse yet is that these guys weren’t 17, but rather 27 (or close to that). Now, I don't know who came up with this theory in the first place, but it must have been someone very important to have been able to convince an entire species to live by it (as in men). And for what? So that you don't look desperate? Uh, news flash: desperation is having to strategize with your best guy friend about how long you should put off calling the awesome girl you met last night so as to come across 'cool' (which clearly you aren’t) as opposed to desperate.

Seriously, unless your plan is to make her hate you, don’t pull this kind of crap. The last thing you want to do when you’ve really connected with a girl is to give her enough time to forget you, or worse, think you have something better to do. When you wait three days, it gives her time to draw to her own conclusions, and that’s NOT a good thing. Whether or not you’re actually a jerk, or too busy for her, or that the connection was one-sided doesn’t matter, the message your sending her is that you’re not interested. So if you really like her, I mean really, call her the next day, especially if you know that the connection was real for both of you. You don’t have to set up a date right away, and you don’t even need talk for that long either. Just show her that you do remember her, you are thinking about her, and that you actually can hold a conversation when sober. After that, sit back and let her make the next move. (Also, leaving us to sit and stare at our phone for 72 excruciating hours - trying to send telepathic messages to some computer chip inside in hope of forcing a ring - is not only exhausting, but just plain mean.)

Moral of the story: Be the man that you are and make the damn call, because this rule in inapplicable to those over 15.

10 Reasons...

Why this First Date is a Dead-End:

10. He hasn't planned anything for the two of you to do.

9. Poor hygiene (of any kind)

8. He's shown up drunk.

7. His ex has come up 3 times already in the first hour.

6. He mentions he went through a bi-curious 'phase'.

5. He asks to borrow some cash.

4. He's on Team Chris (Brown that is).

3. He shows you pictures of his kids.

2. He shows you pictures of his kids and they all look completely different.

1. He's wearing an ankle bracelet (only it's more obligatory and bulky than sentimental and delicate)

Unsolved Mysteries...

Why do guys think they can convince girls to like them?

I met you. I decided I don't like you. And having to sit here and listen to you tell me why we're perfect for each other is only making me want to punch your face.

A Really Bad Approach...

Well, I have to give it to Men's Health for trying. Issue after issue their so called "experts" offer what they think to be useful information about women to it's readers and, as can be predicted, issue after issue it continues to suck, hard.

Case in point: "Seduce Her in 10 Minutes"
(http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/sexual_attraction_and_seduction/index.php).

This month offers guys some friendly advice on a few simple alterations to their approach that will supposedly 'seal the deal' with beautiful women in bars. Now, at a glance, the article seems harmless enough, useful even, suggesting things like looking her in the eye when you speak to her and actually talking about her. (Although, to be honest, I'm a bit surprised that men need someone with a PhD to give them advice as basic as that). But if one takes a closer look at the advice that's being given here, one would, and should, be a tad concerned- not just for the guys taking it, but for the poor girls who will be on its receiving end:

"Approach confidently [...] head-on and maintaining eye contact [...] Push out air with your diaphragm [...] women prefer deep-voiced men [...] give her a firm grasp [...] draw out details about her [...] talk at the same pace she does [...] Once she brushes your shoulder or thigh, reciprocate within a minute or two [...] Handle the darts delicately".

And then there are the totally innocent facts thrown in which, in this context, add a whole new level of creepy to the article like: "forming a bond will release dopamine, a mood booster in her brain" or "touch her inner forearm, a nerve-rich zone that will create sparks". Um, what? This isn't 7 ways to get in her pants, it's seven ways to get thrown in jail! If a guy came up to me doing all these things I would run, the other way.

Seriously, guys, you can't listen to this.

The truth is, the whole tongue-tied awkward moment sweaty palms thing is actually kind of, well, cute. Just be you, that's all we really want. (Unless of course 'you' sounds a lot like what being suggested here, in which case, get help). But seriously, awkward and goofy is always more interesting than someone who's trying to hard, which is just plain annoying. Besides, who's to say that once you muster the courage to walk across that crowd you won't find her to be a little sweaty palmed and tongue-tied herself?

Lions and Tigers and Cheaters and Liars...

Ok, so it's officially that time of year again: Summer a.k.a 'High Season' (for singles). Long nights, cities crawling with activity, scantily clad bodies and bars crammed with singles, ripe, and fresh out of hibernation. But as much as summer is full of potential, bursting with new opportunities and experiences, it's also, unfortunately, a time for losers who think they're cooler than they are to put on a show and mislead the innocent (singles).

So, because I've had some experience with these types before - and because I'm tired of seeing so many of my young, gorgeous, and intelligent girlfriends get fooled by these imitation rock-stars and their 5 carat cubic-zirconium's - I've put together a quick list of warning signs to help spot the loser in the crowd and avoid losing the countless minutes of over-analysis and frustration that you'll surely invest in trying to figure out "where this is going".

1) He just 'loves' women.

All shapes. All sizes. All colors ... All at the same time! One for everyday of the week! In fact, one for each cell phone! (side-eye). Do they know about each other? Course not. He's been doing this too long to make a silly mistake like that. (Duh.)

2) His conversation revolves around his job (money), his David Beckam cologne, and the latest on Perez.

Listen, this man is either gay, or worse: straight. He reeks of high maintenance and is consumed by superficiality and materialism. While there might be some perks to being with him, like money and fun parties, you won't get to enjoy them because you'll be too busy will your full-time job as entertainer to his ego. You don't want this hun, trust me, you've got 99 problems and this bitch is one more.

3) He speaks to you while doing one of the following: staring at your boobs, looking everywhere but at you, rubbing his hands together like he just counted his money and staring you up and down, or texting constantly.

If its any of the first three, he's only thinking about sex, not his soul-mate. To test if he's paying attention to your conversation, try throwing in a "what do you think?" and wait for an answer. Nine times out of ten you'll need to remind him what you were talking about. If he's texting, it's still about sex, only with the other girl/girlfriend/wife he's texting to. And if its his guy pal on the phone then its definitely about sex... the sex he's going to have with you after he spikes your drink.

4) He's a Model. And an Actor. And a semi-pro athlete. Oh, and an entrepreneur. Oh, and every second weekend when he's not recording his album, he's a race car driver.

Someone with this many talents, can't be very talented at all.

Good luck ladies... oh, and keep an eye on that drink.