Somewhere In The Middle.....

Since some of you are asking, here's the latest on Smooth and I.

We're not officially together-together, but we're together. As in, we're exclusive, we see each other multiple times a week, we talk everyday and are even making travels plans together... but we're not technically boyfriend and girlfriend.

Please don't make that face.

I know it sounds kind of retarded (maybe even slightly pathetic), but right now I just can't deal with the whole "girlfriend" label, I need a break from it. Seriously, that title connotes feelings of (if I'm honest) burden, smothering, and just a lot of stress in general for me, so I can't go back to it just yet. And I know that the way things were in my last relationship aren't necessarily the way things will be in my next one - I get that - but right now I'm feeling ... free. I only have me to worry about and I want it to stay that way (at least for a little while longer). It's not about still wanting to be able to see other people, or being all hipster and too cool for labels or anything, I just really need a casual status right now, for my own sanity. And he's genuinely ok with that. So you see? All good!

We're just similar enough to want to do new and fun things together like go to cool museum exhibits, fashion shows and even a televised awards show a couple weeks ago, and just different enough to ensure that the more regular things we do together are always interesting. We have fun, we're not rushing, and we're content with that.

So officially (for now) we're ... "companions". No, that sounds like were 80. "Friends". No, closer than that, "special friends". Ok that really does make us sound retarded. Whatever, you get the point. We're happy, as is.

No pressure, no labels, just us.

Just Thinkin'....

I was thinking about my ex the other day.

Well, not so much him as our break-up, and how unfortunate it is that when it comes to relationships, or at least non mutual break-ups, you really have to hurt the one you love in order to get out of it. And I don't mean being petty or purposely mean about it - not like saying horrible things or selfishly acting out in ways that you know will hurt them - but rather, that you really have to break their heart for it to be fully over.

What I'm trying to say is that it seems, to me at least, that when it comes to relationships and love, there is always one person that loves a bit stronger/harder/deeper than the other. And when the person on the receiving end of that love can no longer reciprocate that kind of emotion, nothing short of utter devastation will make that clear. For instance, with me and my ex, telling him we were on different pages simply wasn't enough because he tried to make up for it by getting a car, a better job, a better apartment, and making all kinds of promises that he could change. But the truth was, all that stuff wasn't the issue. The truth was, I wasn't in love with him anymore. When my feelings changed exactly or why I stayed with him despite that really isn't the point; the only way I could really get out was to be fully honest (with him and myself) and tell him that… and subsequently break his heart. And that sucks. I mean, I'm glad I was up front about it and didn't lie or cheat or hang around in misery waiting for him to dump me, but like I hate that I had to say those words to him. I hate that I had to hurt him as deeply as I did for it to be done.

Then again, I guess there is no better way really, that slap in the face is often what we need to snap out of it and see things for what they really are. It's so easy to make excuses and waste more time trying to "work things out" when your in it (love that is), I mean, the saying is there for a reason right? We really do become blind.

Anyway, I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, it's just kind of hanging on my mind. It's not about regretting the break-up, that really was for the better, I guess I just wish there was a softer way to do it that's all...