Something for Me...

I think most of us would agree that I’ve been needing to take my mind off things lately, right? (Yes, clearly.)

Well, last night I did. I had a date. And not just any date – a good one.

And also, a realllllly awesome highschool style makeout sesh.

He is quite yummy I must say. I met him on IG. (Unusual maybe, but really you’d be surprised how many of my last 10 or so friendships/connections/wtv were made off some form of social media (all). So not really all that weird, for me.)

Anyway, his body is something devine. 6’3, gorgeous, has a tattoo sleeve & this adorably southern tinged American drawl.

It’s no great romance. But it’ll definitely do for now.

… yup, it’ll do just fine, for now.

A Change of Pace...

So while eating my banana this morning I started to think about boys (naturally), and came to yet another realization: (apparently, 2014's theme.) 

As much as I would really love to have one to play with right now (a man that is), the reason why I am, and have been single for a while now, isn't only because I'm a self-sabotaging mess incapable or unwilling to make "real" connections - I mean mostly yes - but also, I think subconsciously, I just know I don't want one.

I want one, but I don't need one. Get it?

It's kind of like ... when your thinking of getting a puppy. They're cute, and cuddly, and playful and make you feel so good inside - but they're also a lot of work and responsibility, and take up a lot of your time and also require some form of settlement.

And sure that un-awkward I-don't-have-to-tell-you-what-to-do-with-your-fingers-because-you-already-know-the-drill kind of sex would be SO nice right about now, and yes I would give just about anything to spend a Sunday in bed with some strong arms & muscular torso... but that's about it.

I honestly don't think I could handle too much more than that at this point. It wouldn't be the responsible thing to do I don't think. I mean, why bother getting into anything if I'm not planning on being around ... right?

And so, all this to say... I'm going casual for a while. No more window shopping. I'm a big girl, and I say it's time to start having a little fun.

(sorry mum if you read this, xo)

Woody Allen & Haagen-Dazs...

There aren't many things that make me cry.

Ok that's a lie, there are many things that make me cry. (Like that YouTube video about the old goat and the blind horse who are best friends, or those cute news story's about seniors couples who win the MegaBux lotteries) But what I mean is that there aren't many sad things that happen to me in my life that make me cry. Much less so to do with people. And even less so than that, guys. Not recently anyway.

Overall, I'm a relatively easy going person. A smart, happy girl who doesn't sweat the small stuff. And while I used to get overly emotional over every epically embarrassing unrequited crush moment - like literally, sobbing in my tub naked kind of emotional (and ps. they were never all that epic in any kind of way either) - I've really turned my shit around over the years and mastered my ability to see & appreciate the lessons those moments hold. Like a real big girl.

But not this past weekend. No, this weekend I cried. A lot.

I spent 3 days in bed, with cheddar flavored popcorn, peanut butter chocolate ice cream, Nerds, Woody Allen films, and chicken nuggets. (Btw, if you want to know the secret to life; it's dipping your nuggets in peanut-butter ice cream. Trust me.)

Why? Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure, it's kind of caught me by surprise.

I think it has to with the fact that I'm feeling vulnerable & a bit lonely right now. Not like physically lonely (well, definitely that actually, but not so desperate that I need to cry about it, yet) - I mean heart lonely.

My sister just left me, Friday - she got a job on the other side of the country and she's gone off to do it, amazing for her, but shitty for me as I've lived with her since I was 3. She's my other half, so I'm feeling a bit lost. Then, same day, T tells me he's met someone, someone serious. Also, I'm taking on a lot more responsibility at work, living on my own for the first time (sans sis), and buying a car. A lot of change for this ole' girl. Too much maybe, at once. I'm not going to pretend that it all has equal parts, I mean, it's rather obvious they don't. But all together, I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

Especially about T (don't worry, I'm not skipping the good part). Truly, I'm happy he's happy, from the bottom of my heart. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt. I think, to be honest, I've just felt like he was mine for the last few months. And I'm realizing, now, that he's been filling a space for me that I'm not sure I even really knew existed, a void, until now. Until he announced he was leaving it.

To be fair, he didn't say he was leaving me, and I don't think he wants to. But I know that he has to. It's only normal, and right - and I would die if I was his girlfriend and knew (or worse, didn't know) that he had the connection we have, with another girl. I would die.

I'm about to be dumped. By my best friend. And I realize that I haven't written about him much on here, so this "best friend" status may seem a little out of the blue, but that's kind of what he's become to me. Which explains a lot. Especially, the part about me spending 3 days in bed over this, and yet barely shedding a tear over Smooth.

Technically, he's not my boyfriend, no - but he is the guy that I've said good-morning & good-night to everyday for the last 6 months. The guy I turn to when I need cheering up, the guy I call when I have good news to share, or a good song, or a new TV show, or just a funny story. The guy I talk to about nothing, just because I can, and flirt with, because I need it. We just "get" each other. And while we've rationalized that as long as we're in 2 separate countries its just not realistic to think about what more could be, I think we both know that what we have is special, one of a kind.

So yeah, that's where I am right now. I'm scared of loosing the guy - my guy - but I know its inevitable. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it happens.

I'm going to be alone alone for the first time in my life...

And I'm absolutely terrified.

Moving On, for Good...

Ok, I’m back. (God I start too many posts this way)

But I am. I needed a little hiatus from writing after ending things with Smooth – I mean really ending it, for good for good – because my head was messed up.

I actually contemplated stopping writing entirely - which I realize probably sounds ridiculous to you, but a lot of those final emotions and conversations we had, had to do with this blog, and the thoughts I've expressed on it post break-up. So naturally, I had, and to be honest still do have, some guilt about that… and I might always.

But, after a lot of thinking, I’ve realized that I can’t forget that the break-up was because of reasons & feelings that we both know existed long before I started writing about them. So, despite the sadness, I’ve decided to turn the experience into a positive & move forward. 

Appreciate the lesson & use it grow, right? That’s life’s rule. 

... so, I’m growing. 

Also, I missed you guys. (awwwwww)

And also, I went on vacation. Which was awesome.

I went to DC. As in, Washington DC. And I went solo. Well, not quite solo. I wound up connecting with “T”, and pretty much hung out with him the entire time, minus a couple days & nights where he had prior commitments. I hadn’t seen him 4 years, which could have been disastrous, but actually we picked right up where we left off, and had a blast. Just like old times, but better. There’s more to come from that city for me, I think…. I’m just not sure in what capacity.

But anyway, I’m back at home now, a little bit bored and craving my next adventure. That’s the thing with travel, the more you do it, the more you need to do it again -nothing like discovering new places & meeting new people to make you realize just how small your life is, and how awesomely huge it could be. 

So, to stifle the urge to just drop everything & disappear for a while (a thought which has received serious consideration for the better part of a year now), I’ve got a few other trips in the works. My favorite being a girls getaway trip to NYC in a few weeks, which I’m SUPER excited about. (my financial adviser will kill me when he finds out how much I'm dropping on two days... oh well.)

Summer didn’t really pan out the way I thought it would to be honest. I mean, I had all these big plans of going out a lot, dating (as in actually going on dates, not just messaging randoms online), and just generally singling & mingling about this fair city of mine. But, I think what I realized most over the last couple months is that I’m just not in a place for that right now. As fun as it is, and while I might not necessarily turn down the opportunity to get my flirt on should the right guy come along - I haven’t wanted to. Like, with anyone. Maybe it’s the guys here, ok yes it’s definitely the guys here, but maybe it’s also timing. I guess I’m just not up for it right now. 

So for now I’m single. Happily. And mingling... albeit, very selectively.

Dating Aids...

So, I did it. I signed up to an online dating site last night.

I tried it out several years ago, but I was in university back then, I lived downtown, so I didn't really need to meet people online or take it very seriously.

That’s changed now.

I’m old. (er)

I need aids.

Not AIDS aids, just old people aids. Like a hearing aid, but for dating. Ok I think you get it...

But yeah, I need them because, well, I don’t have a life anymore. Omg I can’t believe I just wrote that. (cue the cats)

I have a full-time J.O.B, and exactly 0.0 single friends.

I can’t turn to the people I work with because that's just never a good idea – and my coupled-up friends don’t have time to help me with my love life because they're too busy wrapped up in their own. (selfish bastards)

Actually, I’m thinking of getting a part-time job just to meet new people.

Did you hear that? That’s how desperate I am right now. I am willing to cut down on the little free "me time" I have, to take on a 2nd job to meet someone. Anyone with a penis.

God, this is so depressing. And the prospects even more so.

I'm not ready to update you on what exactly I'm finding, but let me tell you, it's good. And by good I mean absolutely dreadful.

Stay tuned...

Dear Diary...

I'm thinking of trying online dating again, but I'm not sure if I'm there yet.

Not because there is anything wrong with online dating - but because if a really cute guy walks by me & smiles, I want to be able to smile back. Not be stuck instead, at a table with some dude I'm clearly less into (if other's are catching my eye, I mean)

Also, what if it goes well? ... Then I'm dating again. I don't think I want to "date" right now. I just want to flirt, & maybe have some great sex. (ok no not "maybe" - yes,  I do indeed want sex, please)

I need friends. Girls. Single girlfriends. Desperately.

 ...

Where do I find those?

Dear Diary...

Whoa. I just discovered this REALLY cute guy in my complex. So far, all I know is that he works out in the gym around 7pm on Tuesdays. Or at least, he did this Tuesday.

Upside, I'm gonna get super fit in no time working out everyday in effort to figure out his schedule. Downside, I gotta buy new work out clothes & figure out how to not to ugly sweat.

... Let the stalking commence.

An Open Letter to my College Crushes...

To the ones I loved from afar... (in chronological order)

A - From the moment I saw you that first semester in English Lit., I knew you would be my first "real" boyfriend. And you were. In my head. For about 2 whole years.

I signed up for just about every class you took & club you joined, and stayed up late studying random facts about the city you were from so I could drop them into my pre-rehearsed made-up stories in case we ever spoke. Then, one day, you offered me a piece of your cookie during lecture, and my whole world exploded. From that day on, I was your delusional doormat. Whatever you wanted, whenever. You dragged my feelings through the dirt & back again about 100 times a week. When the night was done & you hadn't managed to pull someone new, you texted me. When I got over you just a little bit & did my own thing, you'd call me & and talk to me for ours, just to reel me back in.

But even though I spent my nights sobbing alone in my bathtub over you, hating myself for falling for your crap every single time - that's ok, now. Because the truth is, you we're the best lesson I've ever had. Hurtful, and manipulative yes, but no regrets. I learned more from being walked on by you, than I probably ever would have was I beside you.

You may not know this, but you were my first. Actually, scratch that I bet you were very aware of that fact when time came to it all. (Homg, so embarassinnng.) Anyway, just so you know, THAT'S why I was so crazy about you. As in, literally, full blown bat-shit crazy.

A (#2) - I nearly fainted the first time you smiled at me, and almost barfed of excitement when you - not seriously, as I later realized - asked me to be your valentine. The best flirt I've ever met, your confidence was spell binding. Thanfully I realized your game quick enough (thanks to first "A"), and avoided what was sure to be a second disaster. 

... But I still watched you, when you weren't looking. And stalked you online sometimes.

T - You know, I don't remember how we met actually. Probably at a party. But my memories of you are fond, for the most part. Yes there were times you lead me on, blew me off, and blatantly ignored me, but at the same time, I was confused & unsure about how to play by the "rules", and made some classic college dating mistakes that probably made you really uncomfortable in hindsight. The fact that you were always gracious enough to at least fake caring about my feelings makes up for all that.

While our dating - not that you can really call it that - was short lived, and sometimes awkward, it was also fun. You always made me smile, and we actually talked about real things. I think my feelings for you were deeper than our circumstances, in that I actually liked you for your person more than anything else. I knew we were nothing. And even though it frustrated me at times and made me emotional, deep down I was actually ok with that. Plus, when I finally put things together & realized just how "friendly" you were with girls (all of them it seemed) - I was more than happy to take a step back.

I don't know if you ended up finding what you were looking for in the end, relationship wise, but I hope so.

Trini dude with the dreads - You were my trini Harry Styles. Your accent made me want to squeel. I would have found Jah, and lived naked with you in some hippie island shack forever, if given the chance. Too bad we never actually spoke at that one party I saw you at.

H - I don't understand what happened here, but I know it all ended too soon. We had a great chemistry, great sex and so many laughs. But I couldn't read you, I couldn't tell if you were actually serious about us or not. I couldn't tell if you were serious about anything, really.  I know you had feelings for me, but then weeks would go by between our hang-outs. So when I told you I met someone else and you said I broke your heart, it didn't really register.

Maybe I was already jaded by this point, from the others, & just figured you couldn't possibly actually want something more. I dunno... it kinda makes me sad. 

Anyway, never having really started, we ended just as vaguely. My only regret is not asking you to be more clear about what you wanted, because I'm pretty sure that of all the guys I met in those 4 years, you were the only one that actually cared.

M - I met you at a time when I was feeling very young & wild & free. In the midst of my own sexual revolution, your blatant rejection taught me that I wasn't, in fact, as "hot" I seemed to think I was. Thanks for the lesson in humility. (...jerk)

J - I never knew you, but I knew people who knew you. Your body is the stuff dreams are made of. And your smile soaked my panties. God bless you.

Library guy - My quiet, intellectual crush. We eye f*cked pretty hard a few times in the library, and it's stayed with me ever since. I've often thought of what could have been with you. I feel like you were different from the rest of the college boys. That maybe you saw me for more than what I saw myself. While not my typical "type" at the time, there was just something about you...

And I know the feeling was mutual because you always asked me for a pen, even though you had one tucked behind your ear. (Also, your ginger friend told me so one night when he was trying to pick me up at a party.)

I would be totally be open to meeting you again now, where ever you are. (just putting it out there)

Library guy's adorable ginger friend - Adorably dorky, your openness was refreshing amidst the sea of what seemed like guarded, tight lipped jocks, players & dude bros. Until you, I had never been asked out as up-front & confidently. You made me feel awesome that night.

N - My New Yorker. That summer in between semesters, you brought out a side of me that had not yet been explored, and it was amazing. No strings, no questions, no commitment. You made me feel like a woman, at a time when I was very much feeling like a little girl.

... yup, looks about right. 

Just when things are going well...

Um ok so you know when you’re feeling really awesome about yourself and your just like “Ok, pat ME on the back because I am handling shit right now. I’ve come through the tunnel with 3 gold stars Super Mario style, feeling better than ever and deserve some serious greatness if I do say so myself ” …?

And then life is like “LOL, hold on a sec”.

Yeah. That just happened to me.

So, despite 4 months of being broken up - 4 or 5 now? I can’t even really remember at this point – anyway, despite being broken up for several months now, I got a text from the ex...

Asking for a date.

Yeah.

Don’t get it wrong, we are on seriously good terms now. We are fully supportive of each other’s endeavors & wishing the most for each’s happiness, and not because I still have some crap in his storage and need him for my hair products. (loosing both of which was a legitimate cause for concern for me during the split)

But seriously, even outside of that, we’re totally cool, genuinely.

Or, so I thought.

Though the breakup was mutual, it seems that the whole “final” part of it wasn’t so much.

It started out as a little joke, holding some of my mail ransom in exchange for a “hangout”. But when he kept pushing for it and I finally said that I wouldn’t be able to just “hangout” with him as if there were never anything between us – I mean, we we’re never “just friends” to begin with – and he said he didn't want it to be just as “friends”, well, it got complicated.

And, surprisingly, emotional. For me anyway.

It nearly broke my heart all over again to have to tell him I couldn’t go back to that with him.

So I cried in my bathroom for a bit, realizing that that part of my life was really over.

Not it a bad way - I'm 99% sure that it was the best thing for me us - but in a "it's really over kind of way". Closure, I think they call it.

And then I told myself to take a breath and stay strong. And get out of the tub because my back would start to cramp. (turning into my mom at warp speed these days)

So I did.

And despite all the emotions, I felt lighter. Better. 

… And then life said “hold on a sec” again, and we lost to the Flyers.

Ugh. (WHHYYYYY?!)

Have you ever had a ex ask you back? How did you handle it?

Status Update...

So this is totally me right now.

Ok so maybe not Chris Hemsworth, more like our slightly cocky, yet darling favourite defenseman PK Subban (sorry, hockey talk) - or occasionally Don Draper when I’m feeling a little 60s housewife submissive - but I’m totally this person.

Sad? Perhaps.

Yeah ok, it totally is.

But you know what, its true, and it’s all I have going for me right now. And I know I’m not the only one who gets lonely sometimes, so I refuse to feel bad about it.

I haven’t been on a date, or really been out out for that matter, in like 4 months. So to compensate, I've had to get, well, creative.

The good news is, summer is coming. (Ned Stark voice)

And this summer is going to be IT for me. (Yes this post is part self pep talk)

No but seriously, I’ve dropped like 15 pounds since the breakup – amazing what cutting a bit of booze can do for you, btw – am building an entirely new, and if I may say so myself, “hot” spring/summer wardrobe, and have watched about 400 Pixiwoo tutorials.

If you're a girl, then you know this means business. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m feeling about an 8 right now. And I know that’s going to sky rocket once I start getting some action again – you know, from like, real life men.

I. can’t. wait.

xx

Dear Diary...

I miss the spark. So much.

I miss feeling special to him. Being told I’m the highlight of his day.

I miss that feeling inside my tummy when I see his name pop up on my phone.

I miss replaying our conversation in my head a hundred times over…

I miss the flirting, I miss the lust. 

... I want to find it again.

Well, Smooth and I have officially reached the "comfortable" stage in our relationship.

And by that I don't mean farting or chewing with our mouths open - that's hardly something to complain about if you ask me. What I'm talking about is that point where everything/anything that the other person says isn't SO important anymore.

For example, this morning. I woke up in knots. (Don't know what went on while I was sleeping, but something had me positioned funny.) My back was locked. Even after stretching on my own, twisting and bending and struggling through the 4 yoga poses I actually know, I still couldn't loosen up. I was hurting, and I needed help.

Now, let me explain to you what would have happened were this oh I dunno, say, 4 months ago. Smooth would have been up and google-ing all kinds of chiropractic procedures and stretches that he could perform on me before I even finished saying "my back hurts". He would be catering to me instantly, saying "babe let me get this for you" and "babe let me do that for you". He would be sitting with me, rubbing me, kissing me, telling me how much he loves me and offering me massages four times a day. And I'm not exaggerating. This is how he is, was. Overly protective and sensitive about anything that had to do with me. It's one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place... after having to get used to that kind of attention of course (which really isn't that hard).

So, now let me tell you what actually happened this morning. Smooth only got up and out of bed about 15 minutes after I expressed my pain and went straight to ...the washroom. He didn't stop by the living room to check on or attend to my calls of distress (...ok more like moans of frustration, but still). He didn't even come by to kiss me on the forehead like he normally does when we wake up in the morning - yup, something has definitely changed.

When he was out, he still didn't come find me. Instead he went straight to the living room - from where I had since moved to the bedroom to hurl myself onto the bed backwards, head to floor in hopes of somehow stretching out my spine, or something - not even noticing I was no longer there. He turned on sportscenter. and checked his emails. (I'm moaning from the other room louder now, not because I'm hurting more, but because now I'm starting to get pissed off.)

Still, nothing. For like 20 minutes.

Finally he come finds me. I'm sprawled out, head on the floor, feet by my pillows, twisted into the strangest shape... and he begins to read me a series of tweets tweeted back and forth between Nikki Minage and Kloe Kardashian saying how funny they are.

That's it. That's all.

He's back on the couch. Apparently, I'm invisible. My pain and discomfort no longer mean anything to him.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, maybe. But I'm also being honest. We are officially "comfortable", and I hate it. I hate that my mere presence no longer commands his attention. That just looking at me doesn't make him smile for no reason anymore. That other things find room in his head despite my being there.

I dread this point. It scares me. Mainly because this is where my last relationship ended. Only, I was him.

...then again, I'm probably just overreacting. Every couple has bad days.

(Untitled 2)...

... It's so worth it.

Beyond worth it. Maintenance sucks, and I might have to invest in some sort of numbing creme, but it's so worth it. Like, have trouble walking the next day kind of worth it.

Dear Diary...

I wanna know if I'm hot.

Not just pretty hot, sexy hot. Guy hot. (I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's true - and I know I'm not the only one).

It's one thing to know a guy thinks you're hot, it's another to know most guys do. I wanna know how I rate on 10, I wanna know what they say when I leave the room...

Dear Diary...

I accidentally called his apartment "home"... as in our place. He didn't freak out. Neither did I.

Truth is, I really kind of like the sound of that. A lot.

Dear Diary...

Still haven't satisfied my craving... but keenly aware that that might be changing soon.

Dear Diary....

I have found a downside to being single again.

I can't just make-out anymore.

I have a terrible craving to just kiss someone (!) and in order to do that I now have to get dressed up, go out, find a cute guy, meet him, get drunk, flirt, and get to know him a bit over drinks/lunch date/dog park excursion first.

I miss the days where I could just turn around and have someone there, ready.

Dear Diary....

Funny how people can surprise you.

I thought I made up my mind about him. Maybe, I was wrong.

Dear Diary...

Sometimes I like to wear lingerie under my regular work clothes for no other reasons than to feel sexy and confident during the day...