Emotions, a guy and a prophecy...

I am in a weird mood. 

I'm sad and pissed, and frustrated all at once. 

And I need to let this go, in fact I was totally fine up until a few nights ago - but I saw someone who triggered a shit ton of emotions in me that, if I'm honest, I just don't think I realized I wasn't dealing with. A real mixed bag.

And now I'm dealing with them - and it's annoying af. 

I just... I'm so disappointed. At this point with guys in general, but especially with this one in particular. Because he is one of the good ones. The really good ones. The the kind that comes to the table ready, prepared and patient. Or at least, that's how he came to mine.

And we had a really good thing. He put serious time and effort into genuinely getting to know me. Befriending me. Learning me. Breaking down my walls, pushing me to open up, trust, and promising to care enough about me as a a friend, a woman, a person, to not be like the others. Only to end up just that, of course.

And it's nothing knew, I get it. I'm not the only, the first, or the last to fall for this yet again - I know. But I did. I really let myself go there. I not only genuinely cared for him as a human, a friend, but I fell for the charm, and smile, and ability to make me feel safe enough to just be me, and like it, too. And I miss that. Now this beautiful thing that we had that made me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I thought of it is stained and ruined. And that makes me sad.

I saw myself with him. 

I don't really think I ever let myself go there consciously, because I needed to keep a poker face and protect myself. But secretly, inside... I hoped. I wanted.

And this makes no sense to any of you - I get that. It's out of the blue, and believe me - it is for me too. And if we're being totally honest, at this point, the details don't even matter because that's over now - and I will be fine. But I'm just so tired. Tired of investing time and energy and love in people who are only in it for convenience. I mean, how is respect for vulnerability and truth, and the effort it takes to be real, and raw and open not a thing? What am I missing?

I can't tell if it's a guy thing, a generation thing, or a fear thing - or all. But I can feel me closing off to it, and that worries me.

My dad told me I was going to have a hard time at this. He said he knew that the second I was born. 

xo

Been here before...

I noticed a pattern. And I don't think its as coincidental as it may seem - or, as I thought anyway. 

Actually, I lied. I didn't notice it. My best friend did. And he was more than happy to point it out to me (more than happy) whilst I was relishing in my new sense of independence post break up. (Well, not really a break-up, more like a break ...off?)

Basicallyyyy, spring makes me love me and winter makes me hate me. Or more accurately, with spring comes a profound sense of "I need to make time for me and just focus on painting my life in brighter colours and let whoever is supposed to walk in, walk in" .... and winter, more of a "omg, I'm 98 and single my eggs are drying up, I need to find someone (anyone) to hold me".

Literally every year.
Like clockwork.

(Don't worry, I'm rolling my eyes at me for you.)

I don't know how I haven't seen this before. I mean, I guess because I've been living it. Feeling it as feelings. And feeling all your feelings makes time feel super long, so you don't really notice the patterns - but, yeah, interesting. And accurate as ever.

So in case you haven't already guessed... I'm feeling quite good right now on the love front. And by that I just mean I'm realizing it doesn't necessarily need to be on my front burner at the moment. I have bigger pots to attend to.

And quite honestly, I could do with a little humour & surprise right about now. So I'll just leave the door open...

Self torture...

Omg, I hate Tinder. 

Spring cleaning...

Sooooo... I broke it off.

(Not today, that would be cruel. Friday.)

And instantly, I knew it was right. I just felt so overwhelmingly relieved.

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how much you're holding onto something until you opt to let it go. I had a feeling I was in my head too much;. I kept questioning whether being with someone was a mental decision or a feeling; if you somehow have to choose between fun and love. But it wasn't sitting well. And then, when I finally did decide to just to cut him loose - not because I had an answer but because the guilt of asking him to wait on me while I tried to figure things out was wearing me out - it was like "oh yeah, no, it's definitely a feeling."

And just like that, I was instantly reassured. Reminded that if its supposed to be - it will actually just be. There is no in your head, there is no needing to slow down, there is no trying to rationalize... anything. It will just work.

Because love is energy. You feel it. In every part of your being. And if its not there - its not you, its not him - its just not love.

What I also realized was that, even though he is "the perfect guy" (you know, mature, kind & looking to settle down) that means jack squat if you're not "the perfect girl".

And I'm soooooooo not the perfect girl. What I thought I wanted is someone else's dream. Maybe from comparing myself to others around me, or maybe because I'm not actually there yet - but not mine, nevertheless.

I may not know what I want exactly, but I know it involves some level of adventure and bohemia. The cookie-cutter standard, life or guy, is not for me.

Amazing the things we learn.

And funny enough, my breaking point came while I was cleaning on the day of the new moon. Literally and emotionally purging, and making room for the new.

Guess I'm more in sync with ole' girl than I thought. (Yay me.)

Reminder...

Flago numero uno. 

Potential is a not a promise of what is to come, but a hope. As delicate as it is fluctuant. Fall for what is in front you, right here, right now, and let the rest surprise you. 

Trying to not be a dick....

You know whats hard to do?

Take your time. In dating I mean.

Its necessary, but hard, and you always feel hella effing guilty about it. Like you're being a royal dick for not knowing, or wanting to be sure, or just trying to figure out your own feelings. You're not, but it comes across that way. And it sucks.

Like on the one hand, its critical to not get out of something before its had the chance to be all that it can be and you're totally positive that you've given it all you have. But then, on the other hand its like, maybeeeee if you have to do that much its a sign?

And that's where feeling like a piece of shit comes in. Because you don't want to waste someone else's time, and you really don't want them to feel like they aren't whatever enough to for you to make straight decision on, but - you need to be sure! And if that takes a month, or two... or three, well then, so be it. (Right?!) You need to know that you won't walk away with regrets of not trying enough, or rushing to any judgement too quickly.

Its a tricky thing. I was talking about this with my friend the other day and we were comparing notes. She's seeing a new guy too and taking it slow (very slow), deliberately. Annnd... I kinda get it.

Stuck somewhere in between love needs time to grow and chemistry is either there or its not.

And if that sounds crazy, maybe it is. But then, when you look at past results and how every guy you've dated or seen lately who's driven you mad with attraction has been some form of emotionally unavailable and a total jerk, so... why not try to be sure?

I think it's really just a matter of needing to rewire circuits, to learn to how to be turned on by a good guy, for once.

And try desperately not come off like a dick in the process.

One more year...

Oh yeah, I also turned 32.

I'm officially, at that age where everyone you meet is younger than you. Men included. Not that I'm looking (at this particular moment in time). Its just, something I noticed.

I don't really feel a way about it to be honest. Indifferent, I guess. It just freaks me out when I think that I broke up with my last "real" boyfriend (I just rolled my eyes at myself) 5 yrs ago. How naive I was taking "some time to myself". LOL, fucking hell.

I should probably start thinking about freezing my eggs soon.

I hear that's what they do here in cougar town.

Making room....

Whooooooa.

Jan 26th? What the eff. Sorry guys, I didn't realize I was in my bubble for that long.

I took January off.

For several reasons really, but mostly having to do with figuring out what the fuck I'm doing with my life (what else is new).

I'm developing a bad case of anxiety, though, its rough.

I'm not sleeping, and often times I wake up several times a night with a choking feeling with panicked thoughts about bills and jobs and time running through my brain. Which I'm reading as, clearly, a deep dissatisfaction regarding my purpose. Right?

Also, I've been having very violent dreams. With a lot of nose breaking and kicks to the face and nasty cartilage busting sounds, but I think that's because I'm watching The Knick right now. (unrelated.)

But anyway, that's basically the gist.

I swear, it's times like this when I realize, despite what we may think or feel we're ready for, how blessed we are that the timing of our life is not something we get determine. I mean, imagine if I had a family right now like want? They'd be fucked. Literally eating cornflake sandwiches.

So yeah, resolution #1 of 2017: get your shit together. Plain and simple.

Sigh...

But, more importantly (and for this blog's intent and purpose anyway) on the love front things are going... ok actually.

I have been seeing someone for about two months now. He's amazing. Literally nothing wrong with him. Tall, handsome, kind, driven, open minded & adventurous, a good dresser, a foodie (!), affectionate, honest and to the point.... ready.

...Right? Pretty awesome.

And me? Oh you know, f*cked as usual. Sigh.

I'm just in my head. Now to be fair, I am an Aquarius so that's basically where I was created to reside, BUT I'm so deep in my head that I'm having a bit of trouble just enjoying this. Or is it that I'm not able to enjoy this and therefore am retreating into my head? That's the great allure with us Aquarians, no one ever knows what the fuck we're thinking (including us).

But quite seriously, I'm just a tiny bit... overwhelmed? Which I feel silly for saying because this is exactly what I have been asking for.

I think what it is, is - it's been forever since I've been in a relationship. Since I've actually committed to being with someone, not just intimately in a physical sense, but wholly. Truly. Letting someone into my life and making them and their feelings a part of my day to day; my decisions. I've become so used to "dating" (... shopping... browsing), that I've mastered how to let people into my life, without letting them into my heart. I know how to keep that part safe.

So, its going to be an adjustment. A slow one. One that I will require a lot of patience on his side (which he has, by the boat load) and one that will require me to hop out of my head and inhabit the old graveyard that used to be my heart.

I just have to clear to a few cobwebs first.

The good news is, he's exactly the type of guy to do this for.

Starting the year off right....

You guys, I had a reset. Like, down there.
Basically, I'm a virgin again. Well almost, kind of.

I had an uni steam. Wait no, that's sushi (mmmm, sushi)

- A yoni steam.

Its like a spiritual spa for your, well, yoni. (yoga for kitty).

Twas nice. Quite nice actually. So warm and steamy. But more than just a feel good thing it was a cleansing thing. Physically, but also energetically. And I'm really happy I did it. One, it smelled amaaaazing and was so pretty to look at, and two (and more importantly) it got me in a place of communication with my inner self again. Which was much needed. It had been far too long since our last heart-to-heart.

We had a good talk. Apologized, and made new promises to be better to each other. And I feel great. So much lighter. Like I can breath again. Like we both can.

It sounds silly I know, but the point is not the steam here, its the meditation that comes with it; the re-establishing of the connection with your self.

I've let some not so worthy or well intentioned people into my life these past couple of years, and while they may have physically been removed from that space, their negative energies and memories were still carrying with me. And those needed to be cleared, and replaced with positive, self loving energies only.

Laul, I sound like a fucking hippie. But you know ...its true.

I also smell like an enchanted garden now, which is a plus in my book.

Happy 2017...

Whoa. Its 2017.

How did that even happen?

Isn't it sad how quickly the holiday season comes and goes as you get older? I remember when Christmas break felt like a month. Sigh.

Well, Happiest New Year to all of you out there. I'm a bit late, but I really hope you had a wonderful holiday season. Hopefully you got to slow down a little and take some time to reflect on the year and whats ahead.

I did. I still am.

I've still got a vision board to update and resolutions to write out, but I said I'll have it done by this weekend. So I'm still on track for now. The usuals will still be there - summer body by June 1 (I think I went 20 times this whole year), better budgeting, dream job catching, make more time with/for those I love etc...

But the big one, and my word for year is "authenticity". 

I want all my moves this year to be true. To me. I don't want to do things that aren't genuine to me, or my voice, or vision. I need to move more cleanly through my life, and I genuinely believe that's how success, in every part of my life - however you want to define it - will come. If its me, then it will feel natural, and right, and allow me to move confidently - which is basically the recipe to happiness.

That said, 2016 wasn't a terrible, it was just a bit too stagnant. But  I did learn a lot. I did a lot of self work, again, and came far. And its paying off. At least in one (major) department. More details on that later.

So that's the goal. Be open, push yourself, but be you. All ways, always.

Seems simple enough, right? Lol, yeah...

Also more writing things down! And just generally tracking the journey, that's what its all about at the end of the day anyway. Goals, lessons, and new experiences.

So here's to 2017!

... Also, my birthday is coming up and I need to stop freaking out about my age. Time to enjoy it. Really.