Follow-up...

... And then you have a good date with a great guy and all hope (well, some) is restored.

Tinderella...

I feel like every time I need to get over a guy I jump back on this only to get incredibly disappointed by the selection on offer and curse it again but - I'm back on Tinder.

Honestly, its such a bitch.

The only reason I'm on it is because I hear so many fucking success stories that I can't help but cling to that little bit of hope inside my heart that says "maybe, that could be you one day". The selection is still crap, but I can't control that. The ratio of good looking women to men in this city is off the charts - its just no contest. But what am I gonna move just to get around some cute boys? (Hooded Kermit says yes.)

All jokes aside though, I'm way more liberal on it this time than I've ever been. I swear I've swiped right more times this week than I have in total, to date. And I think is the result of several things.

Mainly, my new found understanding of being more open to anything different from, well, me. I don't need to date me, I am me. What I'm looking for is a compliment to me. My new mantra; a realization that isn't quite as obvious or easy to come to as you might think. Well, for some of us.

Reminder....

There is more truth here than we might recognize. For better understanding on what exactly this means, you can look up articles on the law of attraction and frequencies of thought, but basically, thoughts become things. Quite literally.

So, focus on a lack - of anything - and lack is exactly what you will get. Take your experiences as lessons, keep positive and move forward focusing on what you are grateful for learning and want - and watch it come to life.

Words have power.

Everything I have learned is preparing me for where I'm headed. I will love, I will find love, and I will be happy. In my own time, in my own way, and that's good enough.

This was more for me than for you. (Its my blog I can do what I want.)

After sleeping on it...

Ok ok ok.. I need to write this down before I lose my mojo.

I take back my last post. Well, sorta.

It was fresh, I was emotional, and I was being really hard on myself. (Thanks to my girls for making me realize that).

I think, in all truth, I did fuck up a bit. In the sense that, over the past couple years, my biggest lessons have been about re-collecting my pieces and putting them back together again - self-confidence, self-identity, understanding that love is a beautiful thing that even though there are are really shitty, selfish, shitty-ass people out there (did I say shitty?), for the most part, good does exist.

So this was very much my opportunity to put all those lessons to the test - and I didn't. I clammed.

BUT, that's really ok.

Because knowing isn't the same as being. So knowing what or how I had to be, wasn't any kind of accurate reflection on where I actually was in my healing. Are you following? Like, it was step 1, of.... well, who the fuck knows how many really (honestly, it would be so nice if I could just have the slightest idea of how big this coursebook is, just a glimpse). But the point is, it wasn't step 10, like I thought it was. Or felt it was.

Actually fucking up, in person, with him (and potentially sabotaging this for good but we won't focus on that part right now), was what I needed to actually now begin the work. For real.

I know what my issues are. I have for a long time, like I can list them for you in a heartbeat - but actually fixing them wasn't being put to practice because I wasn't really testing that knowledge on something or someone I actually gave a fuck about ... till now.

That's huge! Well, in my world it is.

So, maybe, just maybe he was that for me. A lesson. A hard one to have to swallow (no pun intended), but one none the less. Because for the first time in a looooooong time I actually invested time (a year!) and care (I was rationalizing four babies!) into this one. The kind that really takes you to the next level in your growth. 

So, here we are. At page one, again. But, in a new chapter. And with actual understanding of exactly where I'm at. And, in fairness, that's thanks to him. I know where I stand now, and what I need to work on, and can finally, actually, begin.

We'll see what happens with us but, regardless, whatever the outcome, this journey with him has served me. Well. 

So I can make peace with that. 

First date fate...

So, I'm fucked up. And I mean, really screwed in the head.

About love.

I want it, I know how to recognize it, I know how to call for and welcome it, feed it - but I can't won't let myself have it, receive it.

Hows that for self torture?

All this time, all this work trying to understand, re-learn, and open up to the idea of love - and I'm too afraid of it to actually do anything with it when it comes to me.

And if that isn't the narrative of my life...
Unbelievable.

Finally, after all this time, someone who is, in so many ways, everything I have prayed and called for comes in, and I clam. I do the whole you-can-know-me-but-not-really act I do with everyone (which he totally saw through by the way, because he is the definition of emotional intelligence) and sit there analyzing every single word and breath as if they'll reveal pieces of my future if I just look hard enough. Because I need to know. I cant just trust, not in that. 

And so instead of listening... feeling... being... I was thinking. And I totally missed what could have been the most beautiful weekend of my life. And worse, he could see it. Feel it, and my hesitations.

When the truth is, this is so very much what I have wanted - I'm just deathly afraid to hold it.

I realize you're totally in the dark here. I haven't talked about him at all for fear of jinxing it. Jinxing him. He's incredible. The kind of guy who doesn't come around often. The kind of guy who gets things on a deeper level, who understands the meaning of life and the weight of its details - love, family, faith (in something), good deeds, kind words. The kind of guy you don't let slide through your fingers should you be so lucky to find him. And that's exactly what I did.

God, it took us a year to get our feet on the same piece of tile and I let all my bs come with me.

Why? Why do I insist on being this person? Easy - because if you don't claim it, it can't be taken away from you. So here I am never really having anything. Solution driven, as always.

I knew he was going to teach me things ... I just didn't know it would be about me. 

Lemme explain...

I feel like I should to elaborate on my last post.

Because while some of you might get what I mean, to the average Joe coming across my blog, it might seem like I'm saying I don't have any standards when it comes to love slash men slash my dating life slash slash slash slash.

And that's definitely NOT the case. I mean, I like to have some fun too sometimes, but there is definitely a bar firmly set in place, and its at like, Olympic level high-jump height. Most days.

Anyway, what I meant was, I need to set some standards, or boundaries, that protect my peace. Peace of mind, peace of life, peace of happiness.

Because I've set myself up pretty well here. As in, I'm comfortable in this little bubble I've built. I have great friends, a small crew of really good people, a great little apartment, a nice social life, and challenging projects and opportunities that fuel me. And I need to protect that.

I can't be letting my want for someone special compromise what's good for me, and take away from what I'm building.

You see it's not so much it's not about weeding out the bad ones - well, ok yes its definitely about that in part - but what I mean is, its not so much focused on judging men for their shortcomings as it is recognizing and being strict about the point at which something is feeding me vs. starving me.

If its not hitting drop it and move on. Simple.

I need to establish a gut based cut-off point, so to speak. That thing that says "nope, this is not what you want it to be, let it go". A marker to recognize and trust, so that not every interaction I have with a man has room for circumstance and context and rationalizations. Because I've learned that I can rationalize anything if I really want to. And I mean, anything.

And that's not ok. Not when it's my emotional well-being that's at risk. I should not be rationalizing the love I want.

So yeah, hard lines - get some.

Its a real shame how accurate this has become.

Note to self...

Set yourself some standards.
and stick to em'.



(And stop letting the cute ones rope you in.)

If not this... what?

Why am I like this?

Why do I get so attached to the idea of a man.

There is a guy, who I so desperately want to be "my guy", literally the sum of things I have asked for since I was fourteen up until lessons I learned this past summer. The definition of a man. Secure, strong minded, kind, loving, beautiful, driven, directed, focused, confident, calm, grown, mature... and yet, still, not available to me.

WHY.

Does it really all come down to location? I don't know if this is gonna make any sense to you - but it can't be that love is ruled by geography. Location can't be the determining factor in what is for you and what is not ... right?

It can't be the reason why you don't win... right? 

Life wouldn't dangle this in front of you like a carrot just for the hell of it... right?

Then again, maybe, its not geography.

Maybe, just maybe... it's him.

A conversation you don't need the begining of to get...

[...]

So the question is do you say something to him? Well, yes, I think so.

Partly because if you're like me, you're tired of the bs and have been let down too many times by guys you could have sworn at least respected you enough as a human being to actually be real with, so at this point in your life you don't have time for games.

But also because listen, if you ever have the slightest inkling that you are being taken for a round, you're probably right. And sure, they'll tell you that's not always the case, or that they aren't all the same, or not to put your baggage from one onto another (I'm literally laughing at just how many times I have heard this), but the truth is that's the routine. That's what they say (some more convincingly than others) because that's how they keep you. For them, for later. Don't be fooled.

So then how do you know? Truth? You don't. If I've learned one thing, its that you really just don't. You will be deliberately mislead by those claiming to be "real", totally misread the signs of those who are not, all the while completely oblivious or dismissive of the ones of those who really are.

What it comes down to is timing; your eyes being open at the right time and having the right guy at the right point in his life walk into focus. That's literally it.

The rest is just life. And lessons.

So how is it so easy for everyone else? Its not. But they're saying "okay, I'll just go for it and see" or "I'll just chose this one, because I can" or because its safe or because it's a "good enough" version of love and they'll deal with the rest later, or not.

That's what I've learned. There are lucky ones, but they're the lucky ones.

And its fucking sad. And scary. Because you don't want "good enough", you want the real thing. And there is no shame in that, but understand that holding out for it is going to require that you be ready and whole enough within yourself to be able to love yourself enough to heal your own wounds.

Because its going to be a rough journey, yes ma'am a very rough one indeed - but worth every bit once arrived.

So yes, tell him. Tell him you are not here for the bs. Be strong enough to say that "at the very least, I'm worth honesty and truth, and at the very most, divine and devoted love. So if you're too weak to give that to me that's fine, I can do that for me myself, but take me off your list of girls to waste time with, because I'm on a mission here and you're just getting in the way."